About this Journal
Current Month
Jul. 28th, 2011 @ 02:13 pm storms and snoring...
Current Location: home
What I'm Hearing: stormy nights

It's 1 am and I can't sleep...
the storm is raging outside and
my thoughts are everywhere
and I wish that you were snoring softly beside me
to soothe me into slumber.

I like you, simple
and you like me
I trust in this wholeheartedly
which is why I'm not jealous of the other girls
and I'm only slightly confused by your distance

I'm the girl who has grown a lot in the past 34 years
made mistakes, massive screw ups
been hurt and let down
left behind and yet
I'm finally open, ready to take on the world,
find someone to take it on with me
partners through it all

I have no expectations
no preconceived notions
and I know I can't sort out your thoughts
I don't want perfection
don't think it exists
am far from it myself but between us
there's a solid foundation

I give a million chances
and still won't run away
but I need a million in return
and time, lots of time
I figure with honesty, openness anything can be sorted and
that the best remedy for anything is a giant random hug
cuddling as a form of tenderness, comfort

I see the best in everyone, always
and give the benefit of the doubt
sometimes to the detriment of myself
but I don't mind - we're all figuring this out slowly
and we all make missteps

I know first hand how fear can hold you back
and how closeness can make you run away
but I know those demons now and I'm stronger than them
have shared them and let them go
naked, emotionally and physically
I'm stronger for being both

I love wholeheartedly all that matter
family and friends, true loves
though there have thus far been very few
I know I'll find the one though one day...
he's in my future
a beautiful rollercoaster ride it will be

I crave sex, often and varied
primal passion
the excitement, electricity of another
there is no hiding in the darkness
bodies speaking in the silence

I am a giver, I like to share
simple reminders of those all around me
a home cooked meal or
a spontaneous adventure
quality time between people
that's what matters most in this world
those true connections that stir us inside

I trust in you and all that you've shared
realize how much we have in common
I also know that there's so much to learn
and more laughs to be had, silly jokes to be shared
endless possibilities, in time

I'm often impatient when I'm confused by events
my analytical brain always searching for the answers
haven't figured out how to let the boy chase
but I know I need to step back
I'm learning, it's just taking time

I'm confident that in some way you'll be in my future
because connections like this are rare
meant to be cherished
and like you said it will work itself out
I just hope that we get to have adventures
still in the meantime

I like you
and you like me
I trust in this wholeheartedly

About this Entry
Jul. 23rd, 2011 @ 07:07 pm
How I'm Feeling: calmcalm
What I'm Hearing: Adele - One and Only

I'm taking photos of the sunset. Just like last Saturday night. What a difference a week makes.

Last weekend you were charming, captivating, squirming your way right into my heart. Convincing me to trust you and asking me to be your girl. I feel like a fool.

I thought I was the one overreacting to your distance all week but now I can see it really was there. That's the thing about me - that you truly haven't realized - I can read people. I told you that. I'm judging you not on your words or my expectations. I'm basing on your actions. Your silence. Your inability to reach out. I've made it as safe as I can.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting too much pressure on you. Of not feeling good enough. I am fucking good enough. I'm awesome and I'm lucky in my life to have people to tell me that - to love me. To love.

I know I'm still searching for that one great one - the true and everlasting. But I know he's out there. You've shown me part of what that looks like. Last weekend - forever. But I'm too good to be second best. I deserve to be someone's everything. That's not to say their everyday but to know I'm at least in their heads. Their heart. To know that even in their busiest times they were wishing to be with me - trying to make it so. You're not that boy.

You stand in my kitchen and I see your sad eyes - see you searching for more. I know your future - it looks a lot like mine. Scary. But I think you're even more scared of it than I am.

I don't know what your past looks like. I was only starting to find out but I know that it's hurt you. Scared. Scarred. I too know what that looks like. Feels like. But I'm ready to jump. Two feet. All or nothing. Full on.

There's someone special out there ready to be my all. Who won't be scared off by these words. Who will realize that they have a million chances to screw it all up and I still won't run away. It could have been you. I just can't figure out how to make you realize that. I'm not going to waste precious time on someone who can't find the time. One day I might share these words with you. Not now.

I look at your life and your crazy contradictions. You want to party less but it's all you ever do. You want to love but you surround yourself by a million girls just to boost your self-esteem. I've tried to show you I really like you but it isn't working. I might be coming on too strong but you're the guy who likes honesty. Openness. Or so you say.

It's funny too - I inherently trust you. Me - the admittedly jealous one - fully trusting. I don't worry about you sleeping with those girls in your life - you want more. Just like me. It's unfortunate really as I think we could be more perfect than you or I even realize. But I can't change your hesitation, your fear. I can open my heart - have opened my heart but I'm strong enough to admit defeat.

You briefly mentioned in your freak out about worrying about screwing it up - you can't screw things up if you never take a chance. Sure, you might get hurt again but isn't it worth the risk? Live everything right now, take chances, love full on.

And if it's just me that's wrong - at least have the balls to tell me.

You could have me - fully, completely. But you have to work harder. Open your heart. Show me - with words, actions - that I matter. That I'm that risk you're willing to take. That I'm what you want to come home to. Your time really is running out.
About this Entry
Jul. 4th, 2011 @ 05:15 pm
How I'm Feeling: melancholymelancholy
What I'm Hearing: REM - It's the end of the word as we know it
people always leave...

it was a line just used on a show I'm watching and a perfect fit for you and I...

I tried calling you a million times on my drive back east...
still try and call you...
your phone always goes straight to voicemail and I'm sure you delete my messages....

but on that day...
on my drive back east...
I decided that I'd email you a the beginning of each month....
try to wear you down, show you i'm for real...

I don't know if it'll work but I have to try.

I have to try for all the times that you told me we'd always be able to connect
For all the times I remember the Italy debacle and how somehow we made it through
For how after all these years I've realized that it was you who taught me how to love...

I miss you. I admit that, fully, completely.
Bryan Adams was right... though I never thought you'd be completely gone.

I did take you for granted and there are a million things I wish I could now go back and change...
-not written that letter
-hung around that night in thunder bay when you were out and your sister forgot to give me the message
-not been a complete jackass in boston and shared your bed
-not pushed you out of mine so many times
-or rejected your late night phonecalls
-and hugs

I miss it all... and more. All that could have been and what never was. You. My friend.

I often dream that we get many chances to live the same life... reincarnation in a weird form.
I hope that I get to do this all over again... differently. You and me.
I want to go back, not take you for granted.

See the details in the photos
Read the meanings in the mixed tape songs
Know that you only had eyes for me from so far away

More than anything I wish to go back and do it all again and since I can't...
I will keep trying to connect
through phone
and text...
emails every month.

I'm determined. You know that...

I want your arms around me once again
Your gaze staring solely at me
A hug... your surprise at the connection
the butterflies...
pressed up against the railing of the bridge..

Though i know in my heart we can never go back...
Though I wish for you to be happily in love by now...
And your marriage and kids and future... all outstanding...
I will still reach out to be your friend...
will wonder what I actually said in that ill fated message,
in those days that I both loved and hated you all at once.

A part of me still loves you...
always will...
you taught me how to open my heart - to see what was out there...
to realize that it's okay to love without any expectation of things in return...
you... only you.

I protected myself from you - was still damaged...
been so damaged by people leaving me...
but you always came back - I cherished that...
but not this time... I was right once again...
you left
but I didn't want you to... not you...

and so I will always reach out...
hope we can reconnect one day
I want to say I'm sorry and make amends for so many things
and to celebrate our futures... and to finally see
Not everyone leaves... at least not you.
About this Entry
Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 11:56 pm new blog for everyday...
About this Entry
Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 06:27 am whatever...
How I'm Feeling: calmcalm
What I'm Hearing: silence

Didn't know that I was an idiot or a bitch but you deleted me anyway... whatever. Have a nice life. I'm not even going to satisfy you by sending you this message though I figure you're searching for reactions... realize I'm not hateful or upset. It's just life. See you around.

And I don't believe you actually hate me - otherwise why would you show up at my door three nights ago unannounced? After you "had other things lined up"... ya, I thought so.
About this Entry
Mar. 29th, 2010 @ 10:11 am we are all full of shit...
How I'm Feeling: happyHappy...
What I'm Hearing: Linkin Park - Bleed it Out
About this Entry
Mar. 29th, 2010 @ 08:18 am Very Sharp Left

By: Thomas Barbey
About this Entry
Mar. 22nd, 2010 @ 01:22 pm reblog
What I'm Hearing: Groove Armada - Crazy For You
from eletheowl:

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

About this Entry
Mar. 22nd, 2010 @ 01:14 pm reblog
What I'm Hearing: Beautiful South - I Think the Answer's Yes
from eletheowl:

I wish you would just show up on my doorstep. Not with anything special, just you. And when I’d open the door you’d smile and while I’m trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing here you’d tell me how hard the past months have been, how much you’ve thought about me, how much you regretted everything. And then you’d take me into your arms and ask me to forgive you and I would without hesitation. Then you’d grab my face and kiss me the way you used to and everything would be perfect again.
About this Entry
Mar. 21st, 2010 @ 09:06 pm
Tags: ,
You gave yourself fully to me and I had to run away. Take the easier path of unmade beds - eyes seen only at dark - no more. Twisted sheets, brief connection, yearnings met for now. You needed more - too much. Everything about you was unknown, scary - too much to learn. Too many dark corners to probe - it was easier to just touch - another - not you. My secrets were revealed to you - lips on lips just once. Sucking my control away - too much. I had to run back to the dark rooms and secret liasons - where I had power in the darkness.
About this Entry